Thursday, June 27, 2013

A Secret Life

A secret life possesses a lost and found.
Where did we find this mask
to wear?
Where did our truth go underground?


I all too often talk with people who project their lives to be "perfect."  Yet when you talk with them one on one, it is as if they are moments away from a total emotional meltdown.  The lives they want people to think they are living and the lives that are actually living behind the scenes, are polar  opposites. They wear a smile, when inside they want to do anything but.  They are living a secret life that they only reveal to a certain few if any at all. Those certain few, are the one's often times that will hold their secret for them. 

They become so miserable, but are living in that misery for so long they get used to the patterns.  Their emotions teeter back and forth between the desperation of wanting out of a bad situation whether it is a relationship, finances, a job or whatever it may be, to settling and just taking it because the thought of "getting out" becomes too uncomfortable.  They avoid having to admit the truth at all costs.  They in a sense are in hiding.

You watch life start to swallow them whole after so much time passes.  They can start out to be a vibrant spirit and very quickly become the walking dead.  I can absolutely and unfortunately relate to this.  Not only was it practically every single childhood friend I had, it was also my ex-husband that were all involved in my secret life.  I had the most manipulative, controlling, lying personalities around me.  Not only did I keep their secrets, but their secrets ultimately became my own.  I wouldn't share with anyone how horrible these people treated me and others because I knew the reaction I would get if I had.  It would have been what are you doing with these people in your life? What is wrong with you that this is who you surround yourself with? But without them at the time, I thought I would have been alone. I had unfortunate patterns that I had learned from childhood.  I had learned that anger and hurt was love and to just deal with it.  So I stuck it out because I didn't know any better.  I gave them the benefit of the doubt as I did everyone and I got burned, badly.  Those scars don't heal over night either. It takes awhile to even put the fire out, before you can even see the scars that are left behind.

This is the thing about leading a secret life.  You are so far from the facade that you are projecting, you cringe at seeing other people living well and living their truth.  You become angry, sarcastic, bitter, jealous and just downright mean and depressed.  The anxiety you carry is beyond any weight measurable.  It will bury you alive if you allow it. The thought of anyone finding out what you are hiding, is sometimes more frightening then the actual life you are living.  You can say the most horrendous things about others that at the end of the day aren't about the other people at all, it is about you. These were the most miserable years of my life.  It makes me shutter to think of living that life.  It makes me nauseous to see other people living it out right now.

It took me to the point of my emotional pain manifesting itself into physical pain and fatigue too massive for enough sleep to cure. This was when I said enough, there has to be something better.  I was living off fumes left behind from the utter exhaust that was my life.  I wanted to live.  Not hide in someone else's shadow and also my own. To heal any pain it must be brought up, be confronted, be understood and accepted as the past in order to create a better future. 

So how do we get out of this vicious cycle?  We first get honest with ourselves and we very quickly need to put our pride to the side in order to become honest with the world around us.  When you decide to live in your truth you will realize how many people will offer their support.  You also have to get comfortable in being able to know how to accept their support.  Remember, no more hiding.  When the truth comes out all secrets fall away.  You then realize that the secret itself wasn't the monster after all, it was your own pride and ego that was the enemy. It was being too proud to admit you are human and are capable of making disastrous, catastrophic mistakes, or simply just being someone and something you really aren't.  But there is a solution to every problem in life.  That solution is always the truth.

Learn to stand in your own truth because we all carry a message.  That message lives from within.  Shadows recede the truth and light turns a spotlight on it.  Be okay in making mistakes but also be okay in owning up to them.  And don't forget the lessons hidden within them.  Use those lessons in order to make circumstances better the next time around. When we understand our patterns we can then learn to create better patterns.  Remember me talking about the journey we take away from our orginal selves? We are influenced by our family's, friend's, and social patterns in society that carry us sometimes far away from who we really are.  They are not to blame per say because often times they are just doing all they have been taught.  It is a cycle.  Taking time to understand that cycle and undoing it, can be the very key to rediscovering your own truth.

We can only learn to be who we are by expressing the truth within us that wants to come out.  And the truth needs to come out.  When we start to express our own truth it can be uncomfortable in the beginning. People may be surprised at what we say and what we stand behind. They may welcome or reject this different way of being.  And that is alright because standing behind who we truly are is something we cannot hide if we want to live the life that was intended for us.  Nothing good can come to us while we are in hiding, because it couldn't find us even if it wanted to! So our truth must be told, lived and loved every day.  And believe it or not, whether we voluntarily reveal our own truth it will eventually surface no matter what.  What you must determine for yourself is, do you want to tell your own story, or have your story tell it for you?

What secret life have you led?  What did you learn from it?  How did you reveal your truth?  Share with us, we would love to hear from you!

As always with love,


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©2013. Jennifer Fremion. All rights reserved.

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